The Gold Standard: Zooey Deschanel

Ah the mystery that is Zooey Deschanel. Sexy as hell, but no man can explain exactly what he likes about her. For you idiots who don’t already know who Zooey Deschanel is, she was the blonde chick in the movie Elf, she was in Failure to Launch, and now she has her own new show on FOX called New Girl. The thing is, she’s not one of those chicks who wears next to nothing, so she leaves so much to the imagination, and with the kind of imagination I got, and what she does show off, that’s a pretty deadly combination, and not in a bad way that’s for damn sure. So after hours of deliberating on one of the most perplexing cases on The Gold Standard, here’s our attempt at decoding the mythical foxiness of Zooey Deschanel.

Face: 2.7/3 The face is Zooeys frontal attack. One look at those ice blue eyes makes any guy go from six to midnight. Shit I had to take a cold shower in between ratings just to finish this post. Zooey D’s face makes me wana put my D on Zooey’s…well you get the idea.


Ass:1.8/3 This was a tough one. Part of Zooey’s mystique is that she leaves a lot to the imagination, and there’s a lot to be imagined with her ass. I can’t for the life of me find an ass pic that does her justice, so this one will have to suffice. This pic makes it look kind of flat, so as much as I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she had to take a hit for the ass…pun intended. But don’t get me wrong, there’s enough to work with back there, so I gotta give her some credit.


Rack:1.9/2 Ahh Zooey D’s D’s. What a sight for sore eyes eh? Like if there was any doubt in your mind that she was a fox after getting lost in those eyes, these two love mountains just squashed it. Around here I like to call a rack like this the Titty Triple Threat: Perky, Big, and Proprtionate. If I could choose how I was guna die, it’d be suffocating on these funbags. And thankfully these babies are the one thing she does flaunt. Cold Shower number 2, check.


Legs:1.4/1.5 Zooey’s legs are just like her ass, I can’t find a pic of them that does her justice. The only thing I’ve had to go on is watching her in her show “New Girl” while she’s wearing that long yet short dress/skirt thing she loves to rock, and from what I’ve seen, which is like three-quarter leg, I’m pretty damn impressed. There’s only two things that’d make those legs better; if that confusing garment she wears was about 6 inches shorter and those legs were on my shoulders.

P.S. I would do unspeakable things to be that bow. Don’t act like you wouldn’t.

Torso: .5/.5 Now I’m not positive that this picture is really her and not photoshopped, but for the sake of the argument I’m guna say it is, and god I hope so. If this is real it’s just the icing on the Zooey D cake. Like how can you get better than that? Nothing else to say, cold shower number 3, put it in the books.

After hours of labor and three cold showers, the challenge of putting a number to Zooey Deschanel has come to a close. If The Gold standard can put a number to Zooey Deschanel, it can put a number to anyone. Just an all out smoke, hands down, and the whole “I’m a dork but you still couldn’t handle this,” thing she’s got goin for her just adds to it. Bottom line, Zooey D can get it from me.

Overall Grade: 8.3/10 And that’s only because I don’t have a sufficient ass pic. You best believe if I find one, it’s going up and the rating is with it.

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